


you're the anchor (that i tied to my brain)

by wild_and_free



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist - All Media Types, Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood & Manga
Genre: Al doesnt know what ship names are, Almei is p much already established, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - No Powers, Chatting & Messaging, Eds scared shitless of Lan Fan so theres that, Edward is Oblivious as all hell, Eventual Romance, F/M, Fluff and Humor, Light Angst, Lingfan is the Meme Dream Team™, Mei is the token high schooler, Memes, Multi, Pan and Rosé are so tired of their PINING DUMB FRIENDS who are SO DUMB ABOUT DUMB LOVE, Social Media AU, also Ling only uses proper spelling when hes SERIOUS, some Royai way in the back if you squint, tbh this is just a long word doc full of memes and shit jokes you have been warned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-05
Updated: 2018-01-05
Packaged: 2019-02-28 19:26:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,980
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13278285
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wild_and_free/pseuds/wild_and_free
Summary: Edward Elric: u think u fucking know me???Alphonse Elric: Is it hard?Paninya: yea all u rlly gotta do is yell fuck a lotAlphonse Elric: Put ur hair in a braid with one obnoxious ass strand sticking right upWinry Rockbell: dont forget u have to crouch downWinry Rockbell: i recommend kneelingSocial Media AU in which Edward Elric doesn't know how phones work and memes are more than dreams.





	you're the anchor (that i tied to my brain)

_Edward Elric_  to  ** _the last jedi 9 pm DON’T BE FUCKING LATE IM TALKIN TO U YAO_** : pray tell where the fuck is my brother

 _Edward Elric_ : it is 8 o fucking clock

 _Edward Elric_ : im locked the fuck out of the house

 _Edward Elric_ : freezing the fuck out of my ass

 _Edward Elric_ : and al STILL ISN’T BACK FROM HIS GODFUCK SHITHOLE DATE

 _Paninya_ : wow

 _Paninya_ : godfuck

 _Paninya_ : thats new

 _Ling Yao_ : nah he used that yesterday when i took the last garlic bread

 _Paninya_ : damn aight

 _Paninya_ : ed take a deep breath n hurl urself into a pond or smth

 _Paninya_ : als been freakin out about mei for at least 38478392 years now

 _Paninya_ : let him relieve his thirst

 _Paninya_ : AND BTW CAN I JUST SAY

 _Paninya_ : THIS IS UR OWN DAMN FAULT

 _Edward Elric_ : how in The FUCK???? is this MY FAULT??????

 _Paninya_ : u couldve had a perfectly gross dorm on campus bUT NO U HAD TO BE BOUJEE N RENT AN APARTMENT WITH UR BROTHER

 _Paninya_ : THIS IS KARMA AT WORK M8

 _Edward Elric_ : KARMA CAN GO SUCK MY ASS

 _Edward Elric_ : IM ONLY LOCKED OUT BC AL LOST HIS GODDAMN KEY AND I

 _Edward Elric_ : BEING THE SAINTLY BROTHER THAT I AM

 _Ling Yao_ : w0w thats a lie

 _Edward Elric_ : GAVE HIM MINE AND NOW I GOTTA SCREAM AT HIM TILL HE PUTS HIS TONGUE BACK IN HIS OWN MOUTH AND COMES THE FUCK BACK

 _Winry Rockbell_ : u reeaaallly dont gotta

 _Paninya_ : have u heard???

 _Paninya_ : of this thing??????

 _Paninya_ : called?????

 _Paninya_ : pm?????????????

 _Paninya_ : bc its a thing u could use to bitch at al without annoyin the entire shit outta the rest of us

 _Ling Yao_ : lol lan fans at her grandpas rn and her phone cant be put on silent

 _Ling Yao_ : shes going to kick ur ass

 _Edward_   _Elric_ : IM gonna kick ALS ass if he doesnt show up in the next half hour I DONT CARE IF HES ON A FUCKIN DATE

 _Ling Yao_ : may i remind u my sister is the girl ur brothers currently wooing

 _Ling Yao_ : u do that and lan fan wont be the only one ripping u apart

 _Edward Elric_ : what think u can take me weakLing

 _Ling Yao_ : uh duh but i was talking about mei

 _Edward Elric_ : PLS shes what half a foot tall????? PLSSSSSSS

 _Lan Fan_ : so twice as tall as you

 _Edward Elric_ : DO,,,,,U WANT,,,,,,.,TO FUCKING DIE,,,,,,,.,.,,,,

 _Lan Fan_ : edward

 _Lan Fan_ : i am at my grandfathers house

 _Lan Fan_ : my phone is ringing so loud my neighbors think their doorbells are broken

 _Lan Fan_ : my grandfather is ready to smash it into oblivion

 _Lan Fan_ : if he does we WILL be reliving 3/10 and youll be tasting a lot more than just your stomach acid when im done with you

 _Lan Fan_ : do not make me sneak out of training to answer you again

 _Paninya_ : Rekt™

 _Ling Yao_ : mic drop

 _Edward Elric_ : psh whatever

 _Edward Elric_ : u fuckers think 3/10 scared me

 _Edward Elric_ : GUESS FUCKING AGAIN

 _Edward Elric_ : FUCKING C O M E

 _Edward Elric_ : A T

 _Edward Elric_ : M E

 _Paninya_ : o look shes typing

 _Edward Elric_ : anyway im gonna pm al goodnight and thank u

 

 _Edward Elric_  to  _Smol_ : HEY ASSWIPE

 _Smol_ : Holy shit

 _Smol_ : I am on my way home

 _Smol_ : Could u pls calm down

 _Edward Elric_ : WHAT IS THIS CALM U SPEAK OF

 _Edward Elric_ : ITS BEEN SO LONG

 _Edward Elric_ : IVE BEEN TOO FROZEN THAT I,,,

 _Edward Elric_ : CANNOT FUCKING COMPREHEND THE IDEA

 _Edward Elric_ : OF BEING FUCKING CALM

 _Smol_ : I cant believe they call u a prodigy

 _Edward Elric_ : U BETTER BELIEVE IT HO

 _Smol_ : When u got shut down by lan fan just mENTIONING 3/10

 _Edward Elric_ : how the FUCK do u know about 3/10

 _Edward Elric_ : WHY THE FUCK IS 3/10 EVEN A THING

 _Edward Elric_ : IT WASNT THAT FUCKING BAD

 _Smol_ : Clearly it was bad enough that u dont even remember that I WAS THERE

 _Edward Elric_ : ,,,she could kill me with her pinky man

 _Smol_ : Oh i am aware

 _Edward Elric_ : i cant believe ling survived childhood with her

 _Smol_ : I can

 _Smol_ : Ok im in the building just wait

 _Edward Elric_ : fuckING FINALLY

* * *

 _Winry Rockbell_  to  ** _is it gay to want to literally drink ushers voice_** : OI AL how was the date

 _Winry Rockbell_ : I WANT DETAILS

 _Edward Elric_ : if anyone wants to know how to be the Creepiest Fucking Person Ever

 _Edward Elric_ : talk to winry

 _Winry Rockbell_ : well seeing that i won best ed impression two years in a row now id say i do indeed know

 _Edward Elric_ : HAR DE HAR

 _Edward Elric_ : u think u fucking know me???

 _Alphonse Elric_ : Is it hard?

 _Paninya_ : yea all u rlly gotta do is yell fuck a lot

 _Alphonse Elric_ : Put ur hair in a braid with one obnoxious ass strand sticking right up

 _Winry Rockbell_ : dont forget u have to crouch down

 _Winry Rockbell_ : i recommend kneeling

 _Edward Elric_ : dont think i cant deck all u shitdicks

 _Alphonse Elric_ : Attractive

 _Paninya_ : u sure ur not adopted little elric

 _Alphonse Elric_ : Dear god i hope so

 _Ling Yao_ : ive just annoyed the info out of my sister

 _Ling Yao_ : it seems al is quite the casanova

 _Ling Yao_ : clearly not a family trait BUT

 _Edward Elric_ : i will piss in ur backpack

 _Ling Yao_ : case in point

 _Ling Yao_ : ANYWAYS

 _Ling Yao_ : UPDATE ON THE BET FRONT

 _Alphonse Elric_ : Oh here we go

 _Ling Yao_ : as im sure u all know ned, roy mustang and i have had an ongoing wager

 _Ling Yao_ : who can wrangle the most freshies into joining his club

 _Ling Yao_ : well

 _Ling Yao_ : as of today the martial arts/dance troupe has 20 more members

 _Paninya_ : ARE U SRS

 _Edward Elric_ : BULLSHIT

 _Winry Rockbell_ : how the hell did u convince that many to join??

 _Ling Yao_ : i have my ways

 _Ling Yao_ : but more importantly i believe that pulls me ahead of ned to tie evenly with mustang

 _Ling Yao_ : and really would any of u choose archery over martial arts?? i think NOT

 _Paninya_ : tbh i choose social life over any clubs but ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

 _Edward Elric_ : basic bitch

 _Paninya_ : u kno it

 _Paninya_ : but srsly wtf shifty how did u get 20 new members so fast

 _Lan Fan_ : he showed off and gave his number out to like half of them

 _Ling Yao_ : :O

 _Ling Yao_ : how could u EXPOSE ME LIKE THIS

 _Ling Yao_ : I tRuSTeD YOu

 _Lan Fan_ : ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

 _Paninya_ : yisss

 _Paninya_ : another one bites the dust

 _Edward Elric_ : just u fuckin wait ling

 _Edward Elric_ : ill leave both u asshats in the GROUND

 _Alphonse Elric_ : I mean first u have to

 _Alphonse Elric_ : Yknow

 _Alphonse Elric_ : Be taller than the ground

 _Edward Elric_ : I LIVE WITH U I CAN MAKE UR LIFE FUCKING MISERABLE U HEAR

* * *

 _Winry Rockbell_  to  ** _kyle ron WHOMST???_** : so

 _Winry Rockbell_ : about laser tag this weekend

 _Winry Rockbell_ : invite lings sister yay or nay

 _Lan Fan_ : why not

 _Rosé Thomas_ : It’d even us out

 _Paninya_ : good bc as much as i love al

 _Paninya_ : n u kno hed be the only decent choice outta the guys to bring

 _Paninya_ : he cant keep anythin from that tiny volcano he lives with

 _Rebecca Catalina_ : does it even matter tbh

 _Rebecca Catalina_ : we all kno whichever team rizas on is gonna win

 _Paninya_ : ok true

 _Paninya_ : but we gotta ease mei into the chaos somehow

 _Riza Hawkeye_ : Catalina i resent that statement

 _Rebecca Catalina_ : pls point to me where thE LIE IS HAWKEYE

 _Winry Rockbell_ : ok then

 _Winry Rockbell_ added  _Mei Chang_ to the chat

 _Winry Rockbell:_ welcome friend

 _Maria Ross:_ that wasn’t ominous at all

 _Paninya:_ EY UVE JUST BECOME PART OF THE MESS THAT IS US SOPHS

 _Maria Ross_ : and a few seniors

 _Lan Fan:_ like thats any better

 _Mei Chang:_ so this is just a chat for the girls i take it

 _Paninya:_ WE’RE BASICALLY A KPOP GROUP BUT BETTER (ʘ‿ʘ✿)

 _Lan Fan:_ ok we’re going laser tagging this weekend

 _Lan Fan:_ you in

 _Mei Chang:_ i feel like i may die if i say no so

 _Mei Chang_ : as long as my idiot brother isn’t going i’m in

 _Mei Chang:_ then again he’s been talking to a girl on the phone for like 2839 hours now so i’m pretty sure that’s not happening

 _Mei Chang:_ boys

 _Lan Fan_ : ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

 _Winry Rockbell:_ cool so thats settled

 

 _Paninya_ to  ** _could u actually perhaps makin bacon pancakes_** : [DELETED MESSAGE]

 _Ling Yao_ : wot

 _Alphonse Elric_ : Whos going laser tagging

 _Winry Rockbell_ : pan ffs

 _Paninya_ : (◔◡◔✿)

 _Edward Elric_ : fuckin RUDE

 

 _Paninya_ to  _Gearhead Bae_ : ignorin that lil slipup

 _Paninya_ : im surprised ling even bothered replyin at all

 _Paninya_ : from what mei said he seems p busyyy

 _Gearhead Bae:_ *facepalm*

 _Paninya_ : well that boi is like ed in that hes fuckin oblivious af

 _Gearhead Bae_ : its true

 _Gearhead Bae_ : but u know lan fan

 _Gearhead Bae_ : shed sooner kill us all than do anything about it

 _Paninya_ : well ya

 _Paninya:_ buT THATS NOT STOPPIN ME

 _Gearhead Bae_ : pan whatre u doing

 _Gearhead Bae_ : pan

* * *

 _Edward Elric_  to  _Weak_ : oi lets go to papa johns

 _Weak_ : and???? why????? would i

 _Weak_ : ???????????? with u?????????

 _Edward Elric_ : because ur sister and my brother are on the phone

 _Edward Elric_ : and u may have gotten half the numbers in the school but i KNOW u dont have anything better to do

 _Weak_ : what if i told u i did indeed have plans edward

 _Weak_ : what then

 _Edward Elric_ : id tell u get ur entire fucking head out of ur ass

 _Edward Elric_ : dont bullshit me

 _Weak_ : its a wonder u have any friends

 _Weak_ : luckily for u my one love is pizza

 _Edward Elric_ : yeah because u cant get anyone else

 _Edward Elric_ : idk how lan fan deals with u

 _Edward Elric_ : shes got lower standards than ur sister

 _Weak_ : speaking of lan fans coming too

 _Edward Elric_ : fukichjgi

 _Edward_ Elric: never tell her what i just said

* * *

 _Lan Fan_  to  _Panko_ : what is it

 _Panko_ : i have no idea what u mean my dear

 _Lan Fan_ : uve been typing for an hour now

 _Lan Fan_ : AND i can hear your teeth grinding from my room

 _Panko_ : i have no idea what u could be referring to my sweet

 _Lan Fan_ : paninya

 _Panko_ : i just wanna kno how ur days been

 _Lan Fan_ : this is about ling isnt it

 _Lan Fan_ : im fine

 _Lan Fan_ : theyre just phone numbers

 _Panko_ : dear

 _Panko_ : u used an emoji

 _Panko_ : u never use emojis

 _Lan Fan_ : im trying something new

 _Panko_ : lan fan

 _Lan Fan_ : look

 _Lan Fan_ : i get that youre just looking out for me

 _Lan Fan_ : but its fine and so am i

 _Lan Fan_ : i really dont need a pity heart to heart

 _Lan Fan_ : besides

 _Lan Fan_ : hed give out his number to everyone in the world if he could

 _Lan Fan_ : thats just who he is

 _Panko_ : well

 _Panko_ : ur not wrong

 _Panko_ : is it bad to say im so glad i rarely have to deal with bois

 _Lan Fan_ : girls can be idiots too

 _Panko_ : ppl in general usually r

* * *

 _Alphonse Elric_ to  ** _WE CANT KEEP DOWN ALL THAT VODKA ON KRAFT MAC N CHEESE_** : So i cant feel

 _Ling Yao_ : mY FACE WHEN IM WITH U

 _Alphonse Elric_ : That and the rest of my body

 _Alphonse Elric_ : How is one person

 _Alphonse Elric_ : So funny and sweet and amazing

 _Paninya_ : MY PRECIOUS

 _Paninya_ : MY SON

 _Paninya_ : HES IN LOVE YALL

 _Paninya_ : ITS TRUE FUCKIN LOVE

 _Paninya_ : ELRIC 2.0 TEXT ME IF U NEED ANYTHIN

 _Edward Elric_ : fuckkkkkkkk

 _Paninya_ : CONDOMS

 _Winry Rockbell_ : oh god

 _Lan Fan_ : paninya

 _Paninya_ : BIRTH CONTROL

 _Edward Elric_ : PAN WHAT THE FUCK

 _Edward Elric_ : U THINK AL KNOWS WHAT A CONDOM IS

 _Paninya_ : HE IS A HORNY TEENAGE BOI I BET U MY ENTIRE ASS HES USED ONE BEFORE

 _Lan Fan_ : PANINYA

 _Ling Yao_ : OH SHIT

 _Winry Rockbell_ : u might want to know

 _Edward Elric_ : OVER MY ACTUAL CHIPPED FUCKING GRAVESTONE

 _Winry Rockbell_ : who we added yesterday

 _Mei Chang_ : uh

 _Lan Fan_ : …

 _Paninya_ : oh fuck

 _Ling Yao_ : mei so it was U that made that balloon fart noise just now

 _Lan Fan_ : ling

 _Lan Fan_ : kindly shut up

 _Edward Elric_ : SO AL ISNT BREATHING

 _Edward_ Elric: I THINK HES DEAD

 _Edward Elric_ : HES BEEN STARING AT HIS PHONE FOR 10 MINS NOW FUCK WHAT DO I DO

 _Paninya_ : CALL 911 U MORON

 _Lan Fan_ : where do you live i know CPR

 _Ling Yao_ : thats hot

 _Winry Rockbell_ : MEI PRETEND U CANT READ

 _Mei Chang_ : er

 _Mei Chang_ : i can’t read suddenly i don’t know

 _Ling Yao_ : (╯°□°)╯now she gives in to the memes

 _Paninya_ : MY CHILD CANNOT DIE HERE

 _Edward Elric_ : ok nvm hes alive

 _Edward Elric_ : buT I M NOT GONNA BE FUC KBRB RUNNINGgh

 _Paninya_ : rip in peace

 _Lan Fan_ : no one would blame you if you left mei

 _Mei Chang_ : this isn’t that bad tbh

 _Mei Chang_ : i think i can deal with this

 _Winry Rockbell_ : that makes one of us

* * *

 _Alphonse Elric_ to  ** _how Extra™ do u gotta be to come up with fuccboi_** : So we’re still down for gta tomorrow right

 _Alphonse Elric_ : Ed cant make it because i killed him

 _Ling Yao_ : the old ed cant come to the phone right now

 _Ling Yao_ : why

 _Edward Elric_ : because hes going to cut off lings fucking elbows

 _Roy Mustang_ : can you even reach his fingers

 _Edward Elric_ : listeN HERE U liL SHIT

 _Alphonse Elric_  kicked  _Edward Elric_  from the chat

 _Ling Yao_ : thats cold

 _Alphonse Elric_ : Whos going to be on hawkeye duty

 _Alphonse Elric_ : Also i still cant believe we have to sneak down ur rickety fire escape every time ur girlfriend comes home

 _Alphonse Elric_ : Is she that against u playing with us

 _Denny Brosh_ : Ha HA roy wishes

 _Jean Havoc_ : hawkeye could finish a job and knit a hat in the time it takes roy to finish

 _Ling Yao_ : damn really??

 _Roy Mustang_ : of course not havoc is simply describing his sex life

 _Alphonse Elric_ : U know u sort of just commended his skills in the sack right

 _Jean Havoc_ : what can i say im a gentleman

 _Jean Havoc_ : and im not lying seriously riza is scary quick

 _Ling Yao_  added  _Edward Elric_ to the chat

 _Roy Mustang_ : i knew it couldnt last

 _Edward Elric_ : stfu u shit waffle

 _Edward Elric_ : ALSO if any of u polefucks ever want to know how to get ling to do something

 _Edward Elric_ : bother lan fan

 _Ling Yao_ : try it again and i will Key Your Face

 _Ling Yao_ : she has a physics test tomorrow

 _Alphonse Elric_ : Wow

 _Roy Mustang_ : :O

 _Jean Havoc_ : ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

 _Edward Elric_ : whatever

 _Edward Elric_ : i got the beer for tmr night

 _Alphonse Elric_ : Damn right u do im not letting u in otherwise

 _Edward Elric_ : ignore asshurt over here hes pissed i embarrassed him in front of his date

 _Roy Mustang_ : at least he has one

 _Jean Havoc_ : yeah have u ever had a girlfriend edward??

 _Denny Brosh_ : Do you know what a woman is ned????

 _Edward Elric_  has left the chat

* * *

 _Ling Yao_ to  _Good Shit_ ✔: hey lan fan

 _Ling Yao_ : lan fan

 _Ling Yao_ : LAN FAAAAAN

 _Good Shit_ ✔: what

 _Ling Yao_ : guess who i just saw in chem doodling one miss rockbells name on his hw

 _Good Shit_ ✔: no

 _Ling Yao_ : oh yes

 _Ling Yao_ : i wanted to take a pic but ed decided to be a good student and tore it off before handing it in

 _Good Shit_ ✔: does he even try in chem

 _Ling Yao_ : no but at least he doesnt fall asleep like he does in lit

 _Good Shit_ ✔: hemingway puts everyone to sleep

 _Good Shit_ ✔: read some brontë

 _Good Shit_ ✔: or steinbeck

 _Good Shit_ ✔: id say dickens too but anti Semitism and all

 _Ling Yao_ : i love it when u talk lit to me

 _Ling Yao_ : reminds me of when u used to sneak into our library and read the biggest books u could find

 _Good Shit_ ✔: better than you climbing up the side of my house to sneak into my room

 _Ling Yao_ : pls u loved it

 _Good Shit_ ✔: debatable

 _Good Shit_ ✔: club meetings today dont forget

 _Ling Yao_ : how can i

 _Ling Yao_ : ur always here to remind me ;)

 

 _Ling Yao_  to  _Rolls ROYce_ : fuck expectations right 

 _Rolls ROYce_ : yeah

* * *

 _Winry Rockbell added Roy Mustang, Riza Hawkeye, Jean Havoc, Maria Ross,_ and  _Rebecca Catalina_ to  ** _ROSE TYLER DEFENSE SQUAD WHERE YALL AT_**

 _Winry Rockbell_ : just so we’re clear

 _Winry Rockbell_ : friday nights a byob sitch

 _Lan Fan_ : well wade was totally off

 _Ling Yao_ : atta girl

 _Winry Rockbell_ : …ok well

 _Winry Rockbell_ : u dont bring a drink u dont drink a drink

 _Paninya_ : wow and here i was thinkin byob meant bug ur own business

 _Edward Elric_ : what the utter fuck

 _Alphonse Elric_ : Dont act coy u LIVED a bugs life ed

 _Winry Rockbell_ : BRING YOUR OWN BOTTLE CAPICHE

 _Winry Rockbell_ : jesus now ive got the kim possible theme song stuck in my head

 _Jean Havoc_ : it IS a classic

 _Alphonse Elric_ : Winry u dont need more wii controllers do u

 _Riza Hawkeye_ : I have some extra

 _Edward Elric_ : if one of u picks yoshi i will e n d  u

 _Edward Elric_ : IM LOOKING AT U PANINYA

 _Paninya_ : no promises

 _Paninya_ : n its not our fault yoshi pushed ur fool ass off mushroom gorge that one time

 _Rebecca Catalina_ : LMAOOO

 _Edward Elric_ : that demonic fucking dinosaur needs to go extinct

 _Winry Rockbell_ : yeah bring more controllers

 _Winry Rockbell_ : and get fucked ed yoshis my main

 _Paninya_ : its aight if i bring a tinder girl right

 _Paninya_ : or guy we’ll see ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

 _Winry Rockbell_ : they gotta bring their own drinks

 _Lan Fan_ : really paninya

 _Paninya_ : what

 _Paninya_ : a girls got needs

 _Mei Chang_ : hear hear

 _Paninya_ : oh hush u with ur angel of a man one alphonse elric

 _Paninya_ : my son

 _Paninya_ : my darling

 _Winry Rockbell_ : ill never get used to u calling al ur child

 _Paninya_ : o its just gettin started fam

 _Roy Mustang_ : since brosh doesnt give a shit do we want to make this a floor thing

 _Ling Yao_ : i see what ur doing mercedes benz u sneak ass

 _Roy Mustang_ : you caught up yao

 _Roy Mustang_ : i can finally start trying

 _Edward Elric_ : news flash fuckers i got 5 more ppl today

 _Edward Elric_ : u can both suck my ASS

 _Winry Rockbell_ : ok but keep it small

 _Lan Fan_ : ,,,,,,,

 _Maria Ross_ : this is why timing’s important kids

 _Ling Yao_ : how much smaller could his butt get

 _Roy Mustang_ : are we even be able to locate it

 _Rebecca Catalina_ : does ned even have a torso????

 _Edward Elric_ : I HOPE U ALL ROT IN HELL

 _Paninya_  changed the chat name to _**eds ass is bigfoot pass it on**_

* * *

 _Edward Elric_ to  _Crazy Mechanic_ : yo just saying

 _Edward Elric_ : starbucks has eggnog lattes again

 _Crazy Mechanic_ : I AM THERE™

 _Crazy Mechanic_ : OUTSIDE UR APARTMENT RN GET IN WE’RE GOING SHOPPING

 _Edward Elric_ : im not basic she says

 _Crazy Mechanic_ : mean girls is a classic how dare u

 _Edward Elric_ : ok true

 

 _Winry Rockbell_ to  _Mulan but Better_ : is it weird that i cant stop smiling at ed

 _Winry Rockbell_ : hes sleeping in the chair across from me

 _Mulan but Better_ : a bit

 _Winry Rockbell_ : yeah

 _Winry Rockbell_ : hes such a nerd

 _Mulan but Better_ : but hes your nerd

* * *

 _Roy Mustang_ changed the chat name to  ** _WHO TE HFUCKS IDEA WAS IT O MAKE THIS AFLOOR THING_**

 _Edward Elric_ changed the chat name to  ** _URS U FUCKING CURLY STRAW_**

* * *

 _Paninya_ to  ** _wubba lubba dub dub_** : christmas has come fucking early

 _Paninya_ : all of u need to see this Spicy™ video of ed from last night

 _Winry Rockbell_ : pan

 _Winry Rockbell_ : its 9 fucking am

 _Winry Rockbell_ : who tf is up that cares

 _Paninya_ : o dont u worry winnie the pooh

 _Lan Fan_ : yep shes still drunk

 _Maria Ross_ : did u even come back from the guys' room???

 _Paninya_ : THE POINT IS

 _Paninya_ : i think ed will when he stops groaning in the bathroom there

 _Paninya_  sent a video in the chat

 _Paninya_ : srsly im postin this on ig later

 _Winry Rockbell_ : SHIT thats loud

 _Alphonse Elric_ : What the fuck is that

 _Riza Hawkeye_ : Is

 _Riza Hawkeye_ : Is he singing mad world

 _Paninya_ : u bet ur blonde ass he is

 _Lan Fan_ : was this after we took turns playing yoshi and demolishing him in mario kart

 _Paninya_ : u bet ur toned ass it was

 _Winry Rockbell_ : paninya i can barely hear anything over u shouting STRIP STRIP STRIP in the bg

 _Ling Yao_ : edward really is tone deaf isnt he

 _Ling Yao_ : oh hes stopped puking

 _Ling Yao_ : hes looking at his phone

 _Alphonse Elric_ : Rip in peace our bloodshot eyes

 _Edward Elric_ : wHAT THE ALL AROUND ME ARE FAMILIAAAAR FAAAAACEESSS IS THAT

 _Edward Elric:_ WHAT THE ALL AROUND ME ARE FAMILIAAAAR FAAAAACEESSS

 _Edward Elric_ : WHY THE ALL AROUND ME ARE FAMILIAAAAR FAAAAACEESSS CANT I ALL AROUND ME ARE FAMILIAAAAR FAAAAACEESSS SWEAR

 _Edward Elric_ : WHAT THE ALL AROUND ME ARE FAMILIAAAAR FAAAAACEESSS ALL AROUND ME ARE FAMILIAAAAR FAAAAACEESSS DID U ALL AROUND ME ARE FAMILIAAAAR FAAAAACEESSS DO TO MY PHONE

 _Ling Yao_ : HAHAHAHA OH MY GOD

 _Roy Mustang_ : dear jesus what is happening

 _Paninya_ : oH MY

 _Paninya_ : WHICH ONE OF U DID THIS

 _Paninya_ : I WILL K I S S U

 _Mei Chang_ : there is way too much shouting this goddamn early in the morning

 _Paninya_ : LING

 _Ling Yao_ : while u were busy cackling over that video i may or may not have convinced lan fan to steal eds phone

 _Edward Elric_ : U ALL AROUND ME ARE FAMILIAAAAR FAAAAACEESSS ALL AROUND ME ARE FAMILIAAAAR FAAAAACEESSS BETTER ALL AROUND ME ARE FAMILIAAAAR FAAAAACEESSS FIX MY ALL AROUND ME ARE FAMILIAAAAR FAAAAACEESSS PHONE OR IM ALL AROUND ME ARE FAMILIAAAAR FAAAAACEESSS

 _Edward Elric_ : ALL AROUND ME ARE FAMILIAAAAR FAAAAACEESSS

 _Jean Havoc_ : hes like

 _Jean Havoc_ : an infuriated duck with a lisp

 _Roy Mustang_ : siri what is the tiniest species of duck

 _Edward Elric_ : U WANNA ALL AROUND ME ARE FAMILIAAAAR FAAAAACEESSS FIGHT

 _Paninya_ : pls tell me one of u hungover fucks is gettin this on video

 _Paninya_ : dont let me down lk this

 _Jean Havoc_ : brosh is but idk what u expect this is all on his phone

 _Jean Havoc_ : oh nvm eds face is turning purpler by the SECOND HOLY SHIT

 _Jean Havoc_ : man is it even possible for someones face to be that goddamn maroon

 _Edward Elric_ : ILL MAROON UR ALL AROUND ME ARE FAMILIAAAAR FAAAAACEESSS ASS ON A ALL AROUND ME ARE FAMILIAAAAR FAAAAACEESSS DEATH ISLAND

 _Mei Chang_ : lan fan

 _Mei Chang_ : u okay?

 _Lan Fan_ : yeah

 _Lan Fan_ : too much shouting i have a headache

 _Lan Fan_ : add me back when ed calms down

 _Lan Fan_ : (◕ ‿ ◕✿)

 _Lan Fan_  has left the chat

 _Paninya_ : hey ed ill bet even yoshi can say fuck

 _Edward Elric_ : FOR ALL AROUND ME ARE FAMILIAAAAR FAAAAACEESSS SAKE

 

 _Winry Rockbell_  to  _Peter Pan with Boobs_ : somethings wrong

 _Winry Rockbell_ : lan fan used an emoji

 _Winry Rockbell_ : paninya did u watch the entire video

 _Peter Pan with Boobs_ : not rlly i didnt pay attention to anything after ed started stripping

 _Peter Pan with Boobs_ : y

 _Peter Pan with Boobs_ : should i go check on her

 _Winry Rockbell_ : nothing else is in the video its just ed pirouetting off a table and landing on mustang

 _Winry Rockbell_ : maybe she just needs sleep

 _Peter Pan with Boobs_ : yea

 _Peter Pan with Boobs_ : maybe

 

 _Lan Fan_ to  _Guns n Roses_ : hey

 _Lan Fan_ : i dont know where you are rn

 _Lan Fan_ : but i just

 _Lan Fan_ : im still sort of hungover and

 _Lan Fan_ : i kind of need someone to talk to who isnt going to get angry or

 _Lan Fan_ : try and rationalize everything and well

 _Lan Fan_ : do you ever just wish that things could change

 _Lan Fan_ : that you could be someone entirely different or

 _Lan Fan_ : that you could get out and leave and not give a damn about anything or anyone or

 _Lan Fan_ : because

 _Lan Fan_ : ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

 _Guns n Roses_ : Okay

 _Guns n Roses_ : I was at work but i’m coming back right now

 _Guns n Roses_ : And i’m going to get you tea and you’re going to tell me whatever you want to tell me okay??

 _Lan Fan_ : thanks

* * *

 _Edward Elric_ to  ** _ILL TEARS TO FEARS UR F R I C K I N FACE OFF_** : FUCK U ALL U FUCKING FUCKERS

 _Edward Elric_ : FUCKING PIECES OF FUCKING SHITFUCKS

 _Alphonse Elric_ : Ah

 _Alphonse Elric_ : I wondered why u made that shrieking sound earlier

 _Edward Elric_ : WHERE THE FUCK IS LING IM GONNA FUCKING RIP HIS FINGERS OFF THROUGH HIS EARS

 _Paninya_ : but whatre u gonna do with those fingers ed

 _Paninya_ : ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) wrap them???¿¿¿

 _Ling Yao_ : AROUND THE BIBLE PRAISE THE LORD HALLELJUH Amen

 _Paninya_ : sounds fake but ok

 _Paninya:_ HOLD UP

 _Paninya_ : GIMME THAT FUCKIN BIBLE I JUST SAW A DOG

 _Paninya_ : I KNEW SLEEPIN AT 3 AM HAD ITS PERKS

 

 _Paninya_  to  ** _ID SING OH CANADA TOO IF MY PM HAD AN ASS LIKE THAT_** _:_ ok but for real

 _Paninya_ : dicks r like mushrooms

 _Paninya_ : little funny gross mushrooms

 _Rosé Thomas_ : Paninya you’re high go home

 _Paninya_ : oh sweet flower

 _Paninya_ : i wish i was

 _Winry Rockbell_ : its 4 fucking am GO TO SLEEP

 _Paninya_ : time is an illusion

* * *

 _Mei Chang_  to  _Al_  (///ˬ///✿): hey did my brother seem

 _Mei Chang_ : off today

 _Al_  (///ˬ///✿): I dont think im the right person to ask

 _Al_  (///ˬ///✿): I dont really see ling that often

 _Al_  (///ˬ///✿): Id ask my brother but he definitely wont take it seriously after the phone thing

 _Mei Chang_ : yeah

 _Mei Chang_ : he’s been in a mood since lan fan went off the radar

 _Mei Chang_ : right now he’s just pacing in his room and checking his phone every 5 mins

 _Mei Chang_ : last time he did this was when she went to thailand with her grandpa for a month

 _Mei Chang_ : he’s so obvious isn’t he

 _Al_  (///ˬ///✿): Well

 _Al_  (///ˬ///✿): He isnt the only one

* * *

 _Paninya to **TRICKY tricky TRICKY tricky**_ : i crave the sweet release of death

 _Edward Elric_ : FUCKING KARMA

 _Winry Rockbell_ : i could hear u playing music at 5 am again today

 _Winry Rockbell_ : why tf have u been up so late

 _Paninya_ : my roommate was screaming french at me

 _Paninya_ : she has a test today

 _Paninya_ : also

 _Paninya_ added  _Lan Fan_  to the chat

 _Paninya_ : LAN FANNNNNNNN

 _Lan Fan_ : i didnt do the psych hw paninya

 _Lan Fan_ : and run-dmc doesnt deserve this subpar treatment

 _Alphonse Elric_ : Lan fan

 _Alphonse Elric_ : Lings been looking for u

 _Lan Fan_ : i know

 _Lan Fan_ : its ok dont worry about it

 _Edward Elric_ : FUCKING

 _Edward Elric_ : A FUCKING BIRD JUST SHAT ON MY HEAD

 _Paninya_ : what was that????? u said???????

 _Paninya_ : about karma?????????

 _Edward Elric_ : WHAT IS THIS LITERAL SHIT ON ED DAY

 _Lan Fan_ : is that not everyday

 _Edward Elric_ : I WILL FIGHT ALL U ASSDICKS

 _Lan Fan_ : 3/10 edward

 _Edward Elric_ : i will fight me for only i myself am the one assdick here thank u amen and goodbye

* * *

 _Lan Fan_ to  _Literal Monkey™_ : so i hear you were looking for me

 _Literal Monkey™_ : that depends

 _Literal Monkey™_ : what did i do lan fan

 _Literal Monkey™_ : did i say something

 _Literal Monkey™_ : tell me what i did that made you so upset at me

 _Literal Monkey™_ : if i did something im sorry i really am

 _Literal Monkey™_ : but you cant just disappear and not even tell me whats wrong

 _Lan Fan_ : i know

 _Lan Fan_ : it wasnt you

 _Lan Fan_ : i just

 _Lan Fan_ : my grandfathers relapse and its been rough with classes lately

 _Lan Fan_ : it kind of hit me that i cant always afford to be chill all the time

 _Lan Fan_ : sorry ive been mia

 _Literal Monkey™_ : well now i feel like a dick

 _Literal Monkey™_ : ur my best friend lan fan

 _Literal Monkey™_ : i think ive gotten so used to u being near i freak out when ur not

 _Literal Monkey™_ : i guess it kind of says something about me that might not be a good thing

 _Literal Monkey™_ : especially since i climbed the side of ur house to see if u went back home and u werent there

 _Lan Fan_ : you w h a t

 

 _Ling Yao_  to  _Frying Pan_ : in hindsight

 _Ling Yao_ : i prob shouldnt have told her about the climbing

 _Ling Yao_ : shes not talking to me again

 _Frying Pan_ : u done fucked up boiii

 _Ling Yao_ : so

 _Ling Yao_ : will u tell me whats really wrong with her now

 _Frying Pan_ : not a chance boiii

* * *

 _Alphonse Elric to Mei <33_: So lings mentioned it a few times but ive never really understood

 _Alphonse Elric_ : And i know you two are really only half siblings but still

 _Alphonse Elric_ : Whats the deal with ur family

 _Mei <33_: so winry talked to you

 _Alphonse Elric_ : She didnt have to tell me about lan fans feelings

 _Alphonse Elric_ : Spend enough time with them and u get it but

 _Mei <33_: our family’s always been hella old fashioned

 _Mei <33_: really super traditional

 _Mei <33_: not to mention the fact that our dad is neck deep in china’s political world

 _Mei <33_: ling’s not expected to follow in his footsteps but

 _Mei <33_: as the oldest legitimate son he’s got less freedom than the rest of us

 _Mei <33_: as in either he joins dad in the corrupted hellhole of politics or he marries some CEO’s daughter to get connections

 _Mei <33_: and the one thing ling hates is being forced to do something

 _Alphonse Elric_ : Well

 _Alphonse Elric_ : And i wont pretend i know what lan fan feels

 _Alphonse Elric_ : But id feel like shit if i wished that someone i had feelings for reciprocated those feelings while knowing theyd have to do something they hated in order to be with me

 _Mei <33_: i won’t try to assume anything either

 _Mei <33_: but i don’t think you’re too far off the mark there

* * *

 _Winry Rockbell_  to  _Wannabe Alchemist_ : hey

 _Winry Rockbell_ : i know its kind of sudden

 _Winry Rockbell_ : and u prob have other things to do

 _Wannabe Alchemist_ : nah im free shoot

 _Winry Rockbell_ : could u maybe come with me this weekend

 _Wannabe Alchemist_ : …are u sure

 _Wannabe Alchemist_ : i mean of course ill go

 _Wannabe Alchemist_ : hell even if i had a meeting with the goddamn president id skip it to go anywhere with u

 _Wannabe Alchemist_ : but i dont want to

 _Wannabe Alchemist_ : overstep my right or anything

 _Winry Rockbell_ : no ed u could never impose

 _Winry Rockbell_ : its just been kind of a shit year

 _Winry Rockbell_ : i dont know if i can handle going to visit them alone this time

 _Wannabe Alchemist_ : dont worry

 _Wannabe Alchemist_ : im there for u

 _Wannabe Alchemist_ : whatever u need

 _Winry Rockbell_ : i

 _Winry Rockbell_ : thanks ed

 _Wannabe Alchemist_ : theyd be proud of u win

 _Winry Rockbell_ : :)

 _Winry Rockbell_ : not to degrade ur sentiment or anything

 _Winry Rockbell_ : because damn ed u can be sweet

 _Winry Rockbell_ : but id do buttfuck anything besides meet with our president

 _Wannabe Alchemist_ : i read that as u would butt fuck anything but shit u right

* * *

 _Mei Chang_  to “ ** _3/10 WASNT EVEN THAT BAD” famous last words_** : paninya

 _Mei Chang_ : was that you outside my school

 _Mei Chang_ : trying to sell taylor swift tshirts

 _Lan Fan_ : paninya what the hell

 _Paninya_ : ok HS GIRLS EAT TSWIFT UP

 _Mei Chang_ : sounds fake but okay

 _Mei Chang_ : also you looked stalkerish as hell

 _Mei Chang_ : my principal was going to call the police

 _Winry Rockbell_ : just burn them in a rusty can like the ratchet ho u are

Paninya: what is This Disrespect™

 _Paninya_ : n pls im not gonna burn them that merch cost me lk 984759 bucks

 _Lan Fan_ : sounds fake but ok

 _Ling Yao_ : and why tf would u sell them taylor swift is finally getting interesting

 _Paninya_ : r u kidding me

 _Paninya_ : on twitter with all her snakes n shit

 _Paninya_ : up in here tryin to jump on the edgelord train lk

 _Paninya_ : girl too little too late n im DONE

 _Winry Rockbell_ : yeah shes finally being savage af isnt this what u signed up for

 _Paninya_ : hey

 _Paninya_ : i signed up for Drama Taylor

 _Paninya_ : this is just plain whoring for attention

 _Alphonse Elric_ : Not sure those terms are mutually exclusive

 _Edward Elric_ : HOLY FUCK

 _Lan Fan_ : speaking of whoring for attention

 _Edward Elric_ : I GOT MUSTANG TO PLAY LEAGUE

 _Edward Elric_ : went straight for brand the dumb fucking pyromaniac

 _Alphonse Elric_ : Can i just remind u that ur first time ur jerk ass went right for garen

 _Edward Elric_ : GAREN is a PERFECTLY FUCKING GOOD CHAMPION TO GO FOR WHEN UR A NOOB DUMBASS

 _Alphonse Elric_ : Sounds fake but ok

 _Ling Yao_ : and a bit like neds trying to compensate for something

 _Edward Elric_ : U TRIED AHRI FIRST AND GOT DEMOLISHED DO U REALLY WANNA GO U FUCKING DESK LAMP

 _Edward Elric_ : U ALL AINT SHIT

 _Lan Fan_ : its yaint

 _Ling Yao_ : u uncultured fuck

 _Paninya_ : k first of all

 _Paninya_ : lol is a game for 13 year old prepubescent boys

 _Lan Fan_ : so perfect for edward

 _Edward Elric_ : DONT FUCKING TRY U KNOW UR A HO FOR AKALI

 _Edward Elric_ : ,,,,,,,,

 _Edward Elric_ : dont say 3/10 u know i would rather fucking die

 _Lan Fan_ : then perish

 _Alphonse Elric_ : Ed did U make that whale noise

 _Alphonse Elric_ : What was that?? u need some ice??

 _Ling Yao_ : he needs a fucking ambulance is what he needs

 _Winry Rockbell_ : the real question here is

 _Winry Rockbell_ : paninya???? can actually spell???????? words???????? whAT??????

 _Paninya_ : SECOND OF ALL

 _Paninya_ : any of u want tswift shirts hmu (◡‿◡✿)

 _Alphonse Elric_ : Why would any of us buy ur used taylor swift shirts

 _Edward Elric_ : also taylor swift is fucking great why the fuck would u sell them

 _Mei Chang_ : ……….

 _Winry Rockbell_ : ………..

 _Alphonse Elric_ : ……………………

 _Paninya_ : ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

 _Lan Fan_  changed the chat name to  ** _ill take edward elric is fake Punk Rock™ for 800 alex_**

 _Edward Elric_ : OI U CAN BE PUNK ROCK AND STILL LISTEN TO GUILTY PLEASURE POP

 _Winry Rockbell_ : SOUNDS FAKE BUT OK

* * *

 _Rosé Thomas_  added _Mei Chang, Alphonse Elric, Edward Elric, Roy Mustang,_  and  _Riza Hawkeye_ to  ** _Unnamed_**

 _Paninya_ changed the chat name to  ** _PROJECT LINGFAN_**

 _Paninya_ : ALRIGHT LISTEN UP

 _Alphonse Elric_ : What the hell is lingfan

 _Paninya_ : PLS WITHHOLD ALL QUESTIONS TILL THE END OF THE BRIEFING MY PRECIOUS CHILD

 _Winry Rockbell_ : she continues??? to spell????? correctly????????

 _Winry Rockbell_ : what i am amazed?????????????

 _Paninya_ : ROCKBELL FULL OFFENSE STFU

 _Winry Rockbell_ : rude

 _Paninya_ : SO EVERYONE HERE KNOWS OUR GOOD FRIEND LING YAO AKA SHIFTY AKA MONKEY BOI AKA CO-PRES OF THE MARTIAL ARTS/DANCE TROUPE YEA

 _Mei Chang_ : if i say no can i leave

 _Paninya_ : AND EVERYONE ALSO KNOWS MY SPICY GIRL LIGHT OF MY LIFE LAN FAN AKA DEFINITION OF BADASS AKA EDS WORST NIGHTMARE AKA CO-PRES OF THE MARTIAL ARTS/DANCE TROUPE YEA

 _Edward Elric_ : she is not my worst fucking nightmare

 _Mei Chang_ : so you don’t turn into a stuttering baby every time she brings up 3/10

 _Edward Elric_ : U WERENT THERE U DONT FUCKING K N O W

 _Paninya_ : AND EVERYONE HERE KNOWS THAT THOSE 2 HAVE THE BIGGEST RAGING BONERS FOR EACH OTHER THAT ANYONES EVER FUCKIN SEEN YEA

 _Winry Rockbell_ : i feel like there was a better way of putting that

 _Edward Elric_ : wait hold THE FUCK UP

 _Edward Elric_ : ur fucking with me right

 _Roy Mustang_ : yes edward

 _Roy Mustang_ : she made an entire separate chat

 _Roy Mustang_ : and invited all these people

 _Roy Mustang_ : just so she could fuck with you

 _Alphonse Elric_ : Thats literally what the normal group chat is for wtf ned

 _Edward Elric_ : what the UTTER FUCK????

 _Edward Elric_ : LING AND LAN FAN????????

 _Rosé Thomas_ : You were right winry he’s blind

 _Alphonse Elric_ : Dude how the hell are u so ignorant

 _Riza Hawkeye_ : Edward are you really unaware of this

 _Edward Elric_ : HOW DO U ALL KNOW ABOUT THIS WHAT THE FUCK

 _Roy Mustang_ : id ask if you saw them at the floor party but

 _Roy Mustang_ : i remembered you were too busy practicing for your x factor audition

 _Paninya_ : OK ED SINCE UR CLEARLY THE OBLIVIOUSEST FUCKING PERSON ON THE FACE OF THE GODDAMN PLANET

 _Winry Rockbell_ : obliviousest

 _Winry Rockbell_ : i knew it wouldnt last

 _Paninya_ : LET ME JUST HIT U WITH SOME EXAMPLES

 _Paninya_ : LAN FAN NEVER BLUSHES UNLESS U MENTION LING TO HER AND THEYVE KNOWN EACH OTHER SINCE C H I L D H O O D

 _Paninya_ : EVERY TIME E V E R Y  T I M E LINGS DRUNK HE WHISPERS AT ME HOW COOL AND GREAT AND AMAZING LAN FAN IS

 _Paninya_ : WHEN LAN FAN SHATTERED HER ARM IN FRESHMAN YEAR LING CARRIED HER HALFWAY TO THE DAMN HOSPITAL AND SLEPT NEXT TO HER SICKBED FOR THE ENTIRE WEEK SHE WAS THERE

 _Roy Mustang_ : he threatened to and i quote ‘key your face’ if you bothered her again

 _Winry Rockbell_ : lan fan only shattered her arm that time because some dumbass thugs tried to jump ling in order to threaten his dad

 _Mei Chang_ : whenever lan fan doesnt answer him right away he gets all huffy and paces for hours and checks his phone like 500 times until she replies LIKE SHE ALWAYS DOES

 _Mei Chang_ : then he gets the most obnoxious shit eating grin on his face

 _Paninya_ : LITERALLY TODAY OK RIZA CAN CONFIRM IM WALKIN TO MEET LAN FAN FOR PSYCH

 _Paninya_ : AND I SEE HER PRACTICING A FUCKING KARATE MOVE OR SOME SHIT WITH LING ON THE QUAD

 _Paninya_ : SHE STARTS LAUGHING AND I SWEAR ON MY FANTASTIC ASS LING STARES AT HER FOR 10 WHOLE MINS

 _Paninya_ : SHES BENDING HIS LEG FARTHER THAN ANY LEG SHOULD BEND AND HES LOOKING AT HER LIKE SHES THE ONLY DAMN THING WORTH KNOWING IN THE ENTIRE FUCKIN UNIVERSE

 _Paninya_ : THIS HAS BEEN HAPPENIN FOR YEARS

 _Paninya_ : I CANT EVEN WITH THEIR UNNECESSARY ANGST ANYMORE

 _Paninya_ : THEY NEED TO GET THEIR SHIT TOGETHER BEFORE I ACTUALLY FUCKIN EXPLODE JFC (╯✿◕益◕)╯︵ ┻━┻

 _Riza Hawkeye_ : That is indeed what happened

 _Rosé Thomas_ : And that’s why we made this chat

 _Rosé Thomas_ : So all of you can experience our pain

 _Edward Elric_ : ,,,,,,

 _Alphonse Elric_ : Seriously wtf is a lingfan

* * *

 _Mei Chang_  to _**pacific rim uprising is the sequel we didnt know we wanted and always needed no one fight me on this**_ : you all know my name is mei right

 _Paninya_ : first time im hearin it

 _Mei Chang_ : because my calc teacher doesnt

 _Winry Rockbell_ : oh god what does he call u

 _Mei Chang_ : literally ‘mee’

 _Edward Elric_ : RIP IN FUCKING PEACE

 _Paninya_ : wot in tarnation

 _Ling Yao_ : u mean wot in pronunciation

 _Mei Chang_ : mee-eye is okay

 _Mei Chang_ : mYE sure

 _Mei Chang_ : but MEE

 _Paninya_ : dw a teacher called me panYEA once

 _Paninya_ : lk??? bless u????

 _Alphonse Elric_ : Gesundheit

 _Paninya_ : U ARE GERMAN i was so fuckin right

 _Ling Yao_ : saying gesundheit is hella common now but aight

 _Edward Elric_ : omfg

 _Edward Elric_ : PETITION TO CALL PANINYA PANYEAH FROM NOW ON

 _Lan Fan_ : panno

 _Winry Rockbell_ : a teacher called me wine-ry in fifth grade

 _Winry Rockbell_ : how in the actual fuck could u mess win-ree up

 _Edward Elric_ : maybe bc u were indeed hella whiny

 _Winry Rockbell_ : at least she knew i was there u were too smol to see over the table

 _Alphonse Elric_ : Thats true

 _Alphonse_ Elric: Better loud than nonexistent

 _Edward Elric_ : GTFO AL I WAS FUCKING TALLER THAN U

 _Paninya_ : “was”

 _Mei Chang_ : in any case i’m done trying to correct him

 _Mei Chang_ : hello yes my name is mee

 _Ling Yao_ : and wen it nite

 _Paninya_ : wtf r u on ling yao n where can i get some

 _Winry Rockbell_ : its another fucking meme i stg

 _Winry Rockbell_ : lan fan pls control this boy

 _Lan Fan_ : the kalc teachre cannt saye it rhite

 _Ling Yao_ : vINdICatION

_Edward Elric_  to  ** _PROJECT LINGFAN_** : fuck this they gotta be in love

* * *

 _Alphonse Elric_ to  _Tol (enough to reach my knees)_ : Hey

 _Alphonse_   _Elric_ : Just thought i should tell u

 _Alphonse Elric_ : I saw a guy ask winry out at starbucks today

 _Tol (enough to reach my knees)_ : and why the fuck do u think i care

 _Alphonse Elric_ : Oh dont fucking try with me ed

 _Alphonse Elric_ : U may not have seen a project lingfan coming fine

 _Tol (enough to reach my knees)_ : do u still not know what it is

 _Alphonse Elric_ : But u and winry are so obvious even u cant possibly NOT see it

 _Alphonse Elric_ : And as much as u want to cover it up or hide it or cuss it out of ur life

 _Alphonse Elric_ : This has been happening since we were kids and u cant just keep avoiding it anymore

 _Tol (enough to reach my knees)_ : did u actually just fucking swear at me

 _Alphonse Elric_ : Ill keep fucking swearing at u till u get ur damn feelings together

 _Tol (enough to reach my knees)_ : i cant believe ur fucking swearing at me

 _Alphonse Elric_ : I cant believe ur trying to change the subject

 _Tol (enough to reach my knees)_ : what the fuck do u want me to say al

 _Alphonse Elric_ : I want u to stop avoiding ur feelings and admit it bothers u

 _Tol (enough to reach my knees)_ : ok FINE IT BOTHERS ME OK

 _Tol (enough to reach my knees)_ : IT BOTHERS ME THAT I CARE ABOUT SAYING MY USUAL DUMBASS FUCKING THINGS IN FRONT OF HER

 _Tol (enough to reach my knees)_ : IT BOTHERS ME THAT SHE COULD LITERALLY KICK MY ASS AND AFTERWARDS ID PROBABLY THANK HER

 _Tol (enough to reach my knees)_ : IT BOTHERS ME THAT IM ANGRY THAT SOME DOUCHECANOE ASKED HER THE FUCK OUT WHEN I DONT HAVE THE FUCKING BALLS TO

 _Tol (enough to reach my knees)_ : ARE U FUCKING SATISFIED

 _Alphonse Elric_ : I suppose

 _Tol (enough to reach my knees)_ : U FUCKING S U P P O S E??????

 _Alphonse Elric_ : Also u should prob know she told the guy she didnt speak english and got the hell out of that starbucks without her frap

 _Tol (enough to reach my knees)_ : wait isnt that what ling said when he got caught climbing a museum last year

 _Alphonse Elric_ : Yeah

 _Tol (enough to reach my knees)_ : it barely worked when ling said it

 _Alphonse Elric_ : Yeahhhhhhhh

* * *

 _Winry Rockbell_  to  _Mulan but Better_ : hey theyre selling stroop waffles outside the bio building

 _Winry Rockbell_ : i can grab some for u if ur in class

 _Winry Rockbell_ : wait

 _Winry Rockbell_ : is that u in line

 _Winry Rockbell_ : are u wearing a lab coat

 _Winry Rockbell_ : u ran out of class didnt u

 _Winry Rockbell_ : did u not even bother to take off ur goggles u look like a nerdy terminator

 _Winry Rockbell_ : how many are u buying holy shit

 _Winry Rockbell_ : ARE U STUFFING THEM IN UR LABORATORY COAT POCKETS

 _Winry Rockbell_ : DID U JUST N A R U T O  R U N OUT OF THE QUAD

 _Mulan but Better_ : why are you still asking me you know the answers yes

 

 _Roy Mustang_ to  _My Queen™_ : theyre selling stroop waffles right now

 _My Queen_ _™_ : Has ling gotten there yet

 _Roy Mustang_ : theyre no longer selling stroop waffles right now

* * *

 _Rosé Thomas_ to  ** _7 excellents and LAN FAN THE WAFFLE TRAITOR_** : It’s official

 _Rosé Thomas_ : Mustang won the bet

 _Winry Rockbell_ : wow i forgot that was still going on

 _Maria Ross_ : how’s ed taking it

 _Rosé Thomas_ : Oh

 _Rosé Thomas_ : How you would think he’d take it

 _Paninya_ : EYYYY EDS GONNA ATTRACT THE CAMPUS POPO AGAIN

 _Rosé Thomas_ : Ling is significantly calmer but

 _Rosé Thomas_ : He seems almost frightened about something

 _Lan Fan_ : what did they bet anyway

 _Riza Hawkeye_ : Roy didnt tell me

 _Mei Chang_ : from what al tells me you two are practically married??

 _Riza Hawkeye_ : Ill get it out of him

 _Paninya_ : thats scary n kinky at the same time

 

 _Roy Mustang_  to  ** _PROJECT LINGFAN (WHAT IS A LINGFAN SOMEONE TELL ME ALREADY)_** : if ling lost the bet he had to choose

 _Roy Mustang_ : either actually outright confess to lan fan

 _Roy Mustang_ : or end whatever it is they have

 _Rosé Thomas_ : Hawkeye works quick

 _Paninya_ : Y TF WOULD U GIVE HIM THE SECOND OPTION

 _Paninya_ : ALL THEY NEED TO DO IS STOP DANCIN AROUND EACH OTHER N BANG

 _Alphonse Elric_ : Paninya its more complicated than that

 _Paninya_ : WHAT IN THE 7TH RING OF HELL COULD BE SO COMPLICATED ABOUT THIS

 _Mei Chang_ : long story short

 _Mei Chang_ : our family's shit deep in politics

 _Mei Chang_ : either ling gets in there shit deep too or he's married off

 _Edward Elric_ : well fuck

 _Paninya_ : HOLD THE FUCKING PHONE Y TF AM I ONLY HEARING ABOUT THIS NOW

 _Riza Hawkeye_ : This is a familys private situation paninya

 _Riza Hawkeye_ : You cant go telling just anyone about it

 _Rosé Thomas_ : Lan fan knows

 _Rosé Thomas_ : When she messaged me after the party i found out that this is why she was so upset

 _Rosé Thomas_ : Apparently a drunk ling told her that she should leave him

 _Winry Rockbell_ : what?? why???

 _Rosé Thomas_ : Because ‘he’s scared about what would happen if he stopped caring and she deserves better than a coward’

 _Roy Mustang_ : riza and i were in a similar situation but things worked themselves out for us

 _Roy Mustang_ : i dont know how yao could get out of this without anyone getting hurt

 _Paninya_ : well now i feel like shit

 _Mei Chang_ : welcome to my world

 _Edward Elric_ : nah

 _Winry Rockbell_ : what do u mean nah

 _Edward Elric_ : i dont buy it

 _Edward Elric_ : this whole cowardly martyr act is bullshit

 _Alphonse Elric_ : Ed nows not the time to be rude

 _Edward Elric_ : ur all acting like lings got no chance

 _Edward Elric_ : dude may be an idiot but hes not dumb and hes too greedy for cowardliness

 _Edward Elric_ : no way in hell hes going to give up just because his asshole family says so

 _Mei Chang_ : no lie there

 _Edward Elric_ : if anyones going to find a way its him consequences be damned

 _Rosé Thomas_ : Wow

 _Mei Chang_ : wow indeed

 _Paninya_ : so you rlly can be smooth sometimes ed

 _Edward Elric_ : fuck right off to hell dick muffin

 _Winry Rockbell_ : there he is

 _Riza Hawkeye_ : I guess its safe to say lingfan might happen after all

 _Alphonse_ Elric: chRIST ON A BIKE WILL SOMEONE PLS EXPLAIN WHAT IN THE UTTER HELL LINGFAN IS

* * *

 _Winry Rockbell_  to  _Wholesome_ : al

 _Winry Rockbell_ : ed is continually surprising

 _Wholesome_ : Well

 _Wholesome_ : Now ull never get bored

 _Wholesome_ : and now that ur never bored TELL ME WHAT LINGFAN IS

 _Winry Rockbell_ : Read at 4:36 PM

* * *

 _Mei Chang_  to  _Secret Swiftie_ : remember how you came to my school and almost got arrested

 _Mei Chang_ : a couple of girls are asking about your tshirts

 _Secret Swiftie_ : call it what u want is a fuckin eargasm I TAKE IT ALL BACK ALL OF IT

 _Secret Swiftie_ : I HAVE HEARD AN ACTUAL REAL LIFE A N G E L

 _Mei Chang_ : great i’ll tell them you died

* * *

 _Lan Fan_  to  ** _WHOS FAKE PUNK ROCK NOW U FILTHY FUCKING HYPOCRITES P A N I N Y A_** : has anyone seen my book

 _Paninya_ : what book is it

 _Lan Fan_ : howard’s end

 _Alphonse Elric_ : Forsters great

 _Winry Rockbell_ : sorry i havent

 _Lan Fan_ : its fine i probably left it in the studio

 _Paninya_ : y u always gotta read depressing ass books

 _Lan Fan_ : i dont

 _Paninya_ : last book u read the girl threw herself under a train or smth

 _Winry Rockbell_ : oh i know that one

 _Winry Rockbell_ : anna karenina

 _Winry Rockbell_ : yeah that ones depressing af pans got a point

 _Edward Elric_ : howards end has a happy ending actually

 _Edward Elric_ : if ur into all that romantic shit

 _Alphonse Elric_ : …..

 _Lan Fan_ : ……..

 _Mei Chang_ : ,,,,,,,,,,

 _Paninya_ : edward wtf

 _Edward Elric_ : we had to read it in hs fuck off

 _Winry Rockbell_ : i was unaware u actually read it

 _Alphonse Elric_ : I was unaware u actually could read

 _Ling Yao_ : oi i was just kicked out of the dining hall

 _Ling Yao_ : what kind of DISRESPECT

 _Paninya_ : k but u were eatin all the soup

 _Ling Yao_ : is that a crime now

 _Ling Yao_ : i think the fuck not

 _Winry Rockbell_ : u took the entire pot ling

 _Lan Fan_ : you didnt even try to be stealthy about it you just ran back to your seat giggling

 _Mei Chang_ : how are they just kicking you out now

 _Lan Fan_ : oh they have

 _Lan Fan_ : he climbs back in through the window

 _Edward Elric_ : last week u complained the rice wasnt cooked

 _Ling Yao_ : have u????? had the rice here??????? itS C R U N C H Y

 _Edward Elric_ : jfc lower ur standards ur highness this is college

 _Lan Fan_ : you dont pay 70K a year to eat

 _Paninya_ : just suck it up lk the rest of us

 _Winry Rockbell_ : its either this or starve yao

 _Ling Yao_ : :O

 _Ling Yao_  changed the chat name to  ** _fake friends™_**

* * *

 _Alphonse Elric_ to  _The Alcohol Mom™_ : WHAT IS A LINGFAN

 _The Alcohol Mom™_ : (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧ 

 _Alphonse Elric_ : +ﾟ*｡:ﾟ+凸(◕‿◕✿)+ﾟ*｡:ﾟ+

 _The Alcohol Mom™_ : i did not???? raise u????

 _The Alcohol Mom™_ : to be lk this???????

 _Alphonse Elric_ : U didnt raise me at all

 _The Alcohol Mom™_ : ok true

 

 _Alphonse Elric_  to  _My Good Hotman_ : I still have ur xbox controllers

 _Alphonse Elric_ : I will throw all of them out my window unless u tell me what a lingfan is

 _My Good Hotman_ : new phone who dis

 _Alphonse Elric_ : And theyre gone

 

 _Alphonse Elric_  to  ** _cAn yOU FEeL iT Now mR KRAbs_** : What the everloving fuck do i have to murder to find out what the shit lingfan is?????¿¿¿¿¿

 _Lan Fan_ : …..

 _Alphonse Elric_ : Ah

 _Alphonse Elric_ : Wrong chat

 _Paninya_ : (✿◉‿◉)

 _Winry Rockbell_ : AL FOR THE LOV EOF

 _Winry Rockbell_ kicked  _Lan Fan_  from the chat

 _Winry Rockbell_ kicked  _Ling Yao_  from the chat

 _Mei Chang_ : you know they can still see previous messages

 _Edward Elric_ : fuckkkkkk

 _Paninya_ : well

 _Paninya_ : first time not directin this at edward

 _Paninya_ : duuuuuude u fucked up

* * *

 _Alphonse Elric_  to _**“i am not meme trash” i Am nOtT mEMEe TraASh**_ : Hold on

 _Alphonse Elric_ kicked  _Ling Yao_ from the chat

 _Alphonse Elric_ : So all of u here know about lan fan and ling right

 _Alphonse Elric_ : I am sitting on ed rn hurry tf up

 _Jean Havoc_ : ye

 _Denny Brosh_ : Oh yeah

 _Roy Mustang_ : jesus christ alphonse really

 _Alphonse Elric_ : ARE U FAMILIAR WITH THE TERM LINGFAN

 _Denny Brosh_ : Thats like their ship name right

 _Denny Brosh_ : I literally only know this because of maria

 _Jean Havoc_ : sounds fake but ok

 _Roy Mustang_ : are you satisfied now al

 _Alphonse Elric_ : What the fucking hell is a ship name

 _Alphonse Elric_ : FuCKIGJ I ED GOTOUT GOTTA R UN

 _Roy Mustang_ : well

 _Roy Mustang_  added  _Ling Yao_  to the chat

* * *

 _Alphonse Elric_  changed the chat name to  ** _PROJECT LINGFAN (I HOPE U ALL DIE VIA SNAPCHAT HOTDOG OVERLOAD)_**

* * *

 _Panko_  to  _Lan Fan_ : hey r u ok

 _Panko_ : i saved u a seat in psych but u didnt look over

 _Panko_ : is this about kickin u out of the squad chat

 _Lan Fan_ : do they all know

 _Panko_ : uh kno what

 _Lan Fan_ : does everyone know paninya

 _Panko_ : if i answer will u promise not to disappear again

 _Panko_ : lan fan??

 _Panko_ : no one told anyone else about it if thats what ur angry about

 _Panko_ : we all figured it out by ourselves

 _Panko_ : well except for ed but that boi is dumb af

 _Panko_ : n im not sayin u guys were obvious or anything it took a while until we saw it

 _Lan Fan_ : ok

 _Lan Fan_ : i think im going to go back to my grandfathers for the weekend

 _Panko_ : pls dont drop off the face of the earth again

 _Lan Fan_ : i wont

 _Lan Fan_ : i was going to go back anyway and

 _Lan Fan_ : space is good

 _Panko_ : ur not the only one in this lan fan

 _Panko_ : no matter how much u wont see it

 _Lan Fan_ : (◠‿◠✿)

* * *

 _Winry Rockbell_  to  ** _PROJECT LINGFAN (ALPHONSE ELRIC DONE FUCKED UP YALL)_** : so lan fans gone

 _Winry Rockbell_ : when did u say ling had to make a choice mustang

 _Roy Mustang_ : i didnt??

 _Rosé Thomas_ : …….

 _Edward Elric_ : u said he had to make a decision and DIDNT GIVE HIM A SHITDAMN DEADLINE

 _Edward Elric_ : ITS NEVER GONNA HAPPEN NOW HONDA

 _Paninya_ : well thats just great chevrolet

 _Riza Hawkeye_ : You really didnt think this through bmw

 _Roy Mustang_ : wow

 _Roy Mustang_ : at least i didnt blow our cover

 _Alphonse Elric_ : Dont throw me under the bus with u toyota at least im repentant

 _Paninya_ : alright well now that lamborgini royally fucked up

 _Winry Rockbell_ : “lamborgini”

 _Winry Rockbell_ : so close

 _Edward Elric_ : so what the fuck is gonna happen now

 _Paninya_ : get it

 _Paninya_ : ROYally

 _Mei Chang_ : i will slap you

 _Paninya_ : damn how do u deal with ling if puns piss u off

 _Winry Rockbell_ : ok mei can talk to ling bc she lives with him

 _Mei Chang_ : unfortunately

 _Rosé Thomas_ : I don’t know if lan fan will be willing to talk

 _Rosé Thomas_ : She used an emoji again

 _Roy Mustang_ : i could try but im not sure how she will respond to someone outside of your friend group

 _Mei Chang_ : actually i’ll talk to her

 _Mei Chang_ : someone else tackle my brother

 _Paninya_ : idk how to speak fuccboi language one of the guys gotta do it

 _Winry Rockbell_ : after roy and als fuckups who else can we choose

 _Edward Elric_ : RUDE

 _Roy Mustang_ : sit down you didnt even know they were a thing

 _Edward Elric_ : MAYBE BC I DONT POKE MY FUCKING NOSE INTO OTHER PPLS BUSINESS

 _Alphonse Elric_ : Well ofc u physically cant ned

 _Winry Rockbell_ : can u even see other ppl without platform shoes

 _Mei Chang_ : or a ladder

 _Edward Elric_ : UR FUCKING SHORTER THAN ME JFC

* * *

 _Mei Chang_  to  _Ed’s Worst Nightmare_ : you don’t have to answer me if you don’t want to

 _Mei Chang_ : i just hope you read this and understand

 _Mei Chang_ : my brother has never taken anything seriously in his entire life

 _Mei Chang_ : he hates being told what to do and he doesn’t waste time on anything he doesn’t like and he isn’t stupid

 _Mei Chang_ : you know all of this

 _Mei Chang_ : what i don’t think you know is that you make him stupid

 _Mei Chang_ : you make him ridiculous and stubborn and happy and better than he is

 _Mei Chang_ : i’ve seen him waste days and weeks away with you

 _Mei Chang_ : i’ve seen him become steel itself for you

 _Mei Chang_ : i’ve seen him plot and think himself into oblivion for a way to keep you out of our father’s greasy hands and i know that if he can’t do it my brother would do anything our family told him to do for you

 _Mei Chang_ : but i know you know he can

 _Mei Chang_ : you think you’ll torment him by making him choose?

 _Mei Chang_ : my brother has been tormenting himself for far longer i think than even you have

 _Mei Chang_ : please don’t break his heart as well

* * *

 _Paninya_  to  ** _milk: hate it, shouting: always, music taste: shite = I AM FORCIBLY SHUT INTO THE BODY OF A SIX YEAR OLD_** : RIZA TOLD ME THERE IS A PETTING ZOO 3 MILES AWAY YALL MEET AT MY CAR IN 5

 _Edward Elric_ : we’re already fucking here

 _Ling Yao_ : lol weve been here for an hour

 _Alphonse Elric_ : Mustangs been holding a komodo dragon for approx half that time

 _Mei Chang_ : winry drove us and there are llamas

 _Winry Rockbell_ : i am surrounded by puppies rn am i dead

 _Paninya_ : bitch u r to me im writin u all out of my will CLEARLY ALL MY M8S ARE SHIT

* * *

 _Edward Elric_ to  _Weak_ : look

 _Edward Elric_ : im not going to be that pretentious asshole who knows everything about ur life

 _Edward Elric_ : shit my ignorant ass didnt even know about u and lan fan until the other fuckasses told me

 _Edward Elric_ : but now i physically cant unsee the fact that ur pining just as much as she is and whatever reason is holding u back shouldnt be

 _Edward Elric_ : and its literally killing me to say this but

 _Edward Elric_ : ur a smartass but ur also just plain clever

 _Edward Elric_ : ull figure a way around it

 _Edward ELric_ : …..

 _Edward Elric_ : if u screenshot this ill kill u

* * *

 _Ling Yao_  to  _Sister Mine_ : mei

 _Ling Yao_ : meiiiiiii

 _Sister Mine_ : i’m literally right next to you what

 _Ling Yao_ : have u ever seen lan fan with her hair down

 _Sister Mine_ : once during the floor party you all snuck me into

 _Sister Mine_ : you had your arm around her

 _Sister Mine_ : why do you ask

 _Ling Yao_ : her hair tie broke a few days ago and she was fussing with it and i couldnt breathe

 _Sister Mine_ : when her hair is down??

 _Ling Yao_ : up, down, soaking, gone

 _Ling Yao_ : she takes my breath away, mei

 _Ling Yao_ : she takes my breath away no matter what she does, or says, or looks like

 _Ling Yao_ : and i am a coward

 _Sister Mine_ : you may be right

 _Ling Yao_ : are you ashamed of me?

 _Sister Mine_ : that depends

 _Sister Mine_ : what do you plan to do about it

* * *

 _Paninya_ to  _Daughter-in-Law_ : damnnnn ur good chang

 _Daughter-in-Law_ : i am aware

* * *

 _Lan Fan_  to  _Literal Monkey™_ : hey

 _Lan Fan_ : i know its 5 am and youre probably not even awake

 _Lan Fan_ : and this is probably useless anyway considering ive been transparent as all hell

 _Lan Fan_ : but i dont think sleep is an option until i tell you

 _Lan Fan_ : youre ridiculous

 _Lan Fan_ : youre ridiculous and full of it and infuriating and reckless and beautiful and just so so idiotic

 _Lan Fan_ : id have to be too i guess

 _Lan Fan_ : to be in love with you even after all of it

 _Lan Fan_ : and i really am just that

 _Lan Fan_ : idiotic and in love with you

 _Literal Monkey™_ : thanks

 _Lan Fan_ : is that

 _Lan Fan_ : did you just breakfast at tiffanys me

 _Literal Monkey™_ : yes because you would understand it

 _Literal Monkey™_ : you understand lan fan

 _Literal Monkey™_ : every shitty meme or reference or word i say you’ll always always understand

 _Literal Monkey™_ : just like how you understand that im all those things you said i was

 _Literal Monkey™_ : im reckless and infuriating and indecisive and greedy and far too ridiculous to deserve you and you understand that

 _Literal Monkey™_ : and if youre idiotic for being in love with me then im a hundred times more and you understand why too

 _Lan Fan_ : i think you have too much faith in me

 _Literal Monkey™_ : i think you have too little

 _Literal Monkey™_ : come to your window

 _Lan Fan_ : what why

 _Literal Monkey™_ : because its hard to type when im barely holding onto your window frame and looking like a hero straight out of an austen novel and honestly id rather told you how much im in love with you in person

 _Literal Monkey™_ : convention and all that

 _Lan Fan_ : well alright then

* * *

 _Paninya_  changed the chat name to  ** _IT FINALLY FUCKING HAPPENED LADS LINGFAN IS REAL FUCKING CHRIST NO MORE ANGST I AM LIBERATEDDDD_**

 _Alphonse Elric_ : Great so can someone pls explain wtf a ship name is now

 _Edward Elric_ : Read at 8:09 AM

* * *

 _Ed’s Worst Nightmare_ to  _Mei Chang_ : he makes me stupid too

 _Ed’s Worst Nightmare_ : your brother

 _Mei_   _Chang_ : love often does

* * *

 _Ling Yao_  to  ** _if the men find out we can shapeshift they’re going to tell the church_** : edward elric u weasel

 _Ling Yao_ : u havent held up ur end of the bet yet

 _Edward Elric_ : who tf are u calling a weasel mr indecisive as FUCK

 _Alphonse Elric_ : What did mustang bet him anyway

 _Ling Yao_ : shhh its a surprise

 _Mei Chang_ : surprise as in that time i scared dad so hard he fell on his ass surprise or surprise as in that time you put 10 live scorpions in his office drawer surprise

 _Lan Fan_ : surprise as in that time we replaced your dads coffee with pond water surprise

 _Winry Rockbell_ : none of u should have children

 _Edward Elric_ : stop fucking saying surprise now it looks weird

 _Paninya_ : oi surprise is a great surprising word stfu edward u fuckin surprise me sometimes with ur surprise

 _Ling Yao_ : surprise bitch

 _Lan Fan_ : i bet you thought youd seen the last of me

 _Alphonse Elric_ : Seems like its ur eyes thatre surprising u ed surprise is just surprise

 _Edward Elric_ : u can all fucking suck my ass

 _Paninya_ : hold on i cant believe ling told lan fan what the surprise was and not us?????

 _Paninya_ : im surprised wtf happened to bros before hos ling

 _Ling Yao_ : what can i say

 _Ling Yao_ : im a very surprising person

 _Winry Rockbell_ : im more surprised lan fan didnt kill him for surprisingly agreeing to make her part of a bet

 _Lan Fan_ : bet or not we would still end up here so

 _Lan Fan_ : not very surprising

 _Edward Elric_ : fucking kill me now

 _Mei Chang_ : that can be arranged

 _Mei Chang_ : would you like a surprising cause of death

 _Alphonse Elric_ : As long as the surprise is public ill be there

 _Alphonse Elric_ : I can be thoroughly surprised in person

 _Ling Yao_ : it shouldnt surprise u that making it public must always be a surprisingly huge part of any wager with edward

 _Alphonse Elric_ : Surprisingly it doesnt surprise me

 _Winry Rockbell_ : to be surprisingly honest if i didnt know so much about ling and meis dad id be surprised u 2 were so surprisingly nasty towards him

 _Ling Yao_ : surprisingly i would be surprised as well

 _Paninya_  added  _Roy Mustang, Riza Hawkeye, Jean Havoc, and Rebecca Catalina_ to the chat

 _Roy Mustang_ : i hear edward is surprisingly ready to fulfill his bet

 _Roy Mustang_ : dont worry its sure to be very surprising

 _Edward Elric_ : OH FOR FUCKS SAKE

 _Riza Hawkeye_ : I am surprised at your attitude ed

 _Riza Hawkeye_ : It shouldnt surprise you that we would also torture you with surprises

 _Jean Havoc_ : surprise surprise surprise surprise surprise surprise surprise surprise surprise?

 _Edward Elric_  has left the chat

* * *

 _Lan Fan_ to  _Katniss with a Gun_ : fuck tradition right

 _Katniss with a Gun_ : Yep

* * *

 _Smol_ to  _Edward Elric_ : I know u have my ds give it back

 _Smol_ : Its not in my bag and ur a shitty thief

 _Edward Elric_ : fucking fight me u lil shit

 _Smol_ : Ur 5’4 i could literally pick u up

 _Smol_ : Dont make me sit on u again

 _Edward Elric_ : I WAS NAPPING AND U FUCKING TACKLED ME U ROTTING WEEDHACKER

 _Edward Elric_ : U THINK I CANT TAKE U ON BITCH I COULD WIPE U ALL OUT

 _Smol_ : Oh hey lan fans here now ling can stop moaning

 _Smol_ : I could stop her looking over my shoulder but

 _Edward Elric_ : OH M Y GUFKDCING GOD OK U CAN HAVE UR SHITTY GAME BACK JESUS DONT EVEN MENTION 3/10

 _Smol_ : Shes asking if she needs to have a talk with u

 _Edward Elric_ : i will never touch a ds ever again in my life pls let me live thank u praise tCHRIST AND THE BICYCLE HE RIDES

* * *

 _Rebecca Catalina_  to  ** _MEET AT THE SCIENCE BUILDING FOR THE BEST FUCKING THING UVE EVER GODDAMN SEEN_** : PLS TELL ME SOMEONE GOT THAT ON VIDEO

 _Ling Yao_ : THAT MIGHT BE THE BEST FUCKING RICKROLL IN THE HISTORY OF ASTLEY HIMGODDAMNSELF

 _Alphonse Elric_ : HOW TF CAN U EVEN SPELL ALL THOSE LYRICS OUT IN PERIODIC TABLE ELEMENTS

 _Rebecca Catalina_ : AND I THOUGHT HIS FUCKING MAD WORLD RENDITION WAS GOLD

 _Jean Havoc_ : EDS GOT SPICY MOVES THOSE THRUSTS THOUGHHHHH

 _Lan Fan_ : youre welcome

 _Paninya_ : HE GOT SO FUCKING INTO IT THE LIL

 _Paninya_ : THE S A S S IN THOSE JAZZ HANDS OH MY

 _Mei Chang_  sent a video in the chat

 _Mei Chang_ : GOT IT FROM ONE OF HIS CLUB MEMBERS

 _Roy Mustang_ : edward really knows his way around a tabLE

 _Ling Yao_ : thats all thanks to my girlfriend so again ur goddamn welcomE HAHAHA OMG

 _Ling Yao_ : I WAS LAUGIHNG TOO HARD TO SEE EARLIER BUT 2 FRESHIES GET UP AND JOIN HIM HOLY SHIT???????

 _Alphonse Elric_ : Thats it this is going on youtube

 _Paninya_ : NEVER GONNA GIVE U UP NEVER GONNA LET U DOWNNNN

 _Edward Elric_ : great fucking laugh it up dickwads

 _Ling Yao_ : will edward elric run around and desert you

 _Lan Fan_ : nah those hips dont lie

 _Paninya_ : NEVER GONNA SAY GOODBYEEEEEE

 

 _Edward Elric_  to  _Crazy Mechanic_ : so

 _Edward Elric_ : i didnt see u in the chem room with the rest of those shitholes we call friends to watch prob the lowest point ive ever reached

 _Crazy Mechanic_ : yeah i sort of got held up jeremy in compsci asked me out

 _Crazy Mechanic_ : i was there for the last part though and damn ed u were HELLA into it

 _Edward Elric_ : stfu that was part of the bet

 _Crazy Mechanic_ : sounds fake but ok

 _Edward Elric_ : so he asked u out whatd u say

 _Crazy Mechanic_ : turned him down

 _Crazy Mechanic_ : hes nice but eh

 _Crazy Mechanic_ : u know he asked if i had someone else

 _Edward Elric_ : oh

 _Edward Elric_ : so i guess u told him to fuck right off to hell right

 _Crazy Mechanic_ : i said yeah

 _Edward Elric_ : ,,,,,,,,,oh so just like to get him off ur back

 _Crazy Mechanic_ : nah

 _Edward Elric_ : ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,ok so

 _Edward Elric_ : u do actually,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,have,,,,,,,,,,idk

 _Crazy Mechanic_ : kind of

 _Edward Elric_ : kiND OF????? HOW CAN U KIND OF HAVE SOMEONE??????

 _Crazy Mechanic_ : it depends

 _Crazy Mechanic_ : hes kind of a handful

 _Crazy_ Mechanic: rude and annoying and really damn ignorant but

 _Crazy Mechanic_ : he can be sweet too at the most surprising moments

 _Crazy Mechanic_ : he swears at his friend so much one minute and then later hes telling the guy hes clever enough to figure a way out with this girl he loves

 _Crazy Mechanic_ : ive known him since childhood and half the time i think i know everything about how his mind works and the other half i dont know what to expect

 _Crazy Mechanic_ : and idk if thats a good thing or a bad thing

 _Crazy Mechanic_ : but i think id be down to find out

 _Crazy Mechanic_ : it also kind of depends on how he feels about it

 _Edward Elric_ : ,,,,,,,,,so how does he feel

 _Crazy Mechanic_ : idk

 _Crazy Mechanic_ : but im talking to him rn so i think ill know soon enough

 _Edward Elric_ : so its prob because im really damn ignorant

 _Edward_ Elric: and also prob because its cold outside and i forgot to bring a jacket before driving back to campus so now im heading for ur dorm in a tshirt but u should prob spell it out for me in case im completely wrong

 _Crazy Mechanic_ : yes im talking about u

 _Crazy Mechanic_ : u dolt

 _Edward Elric_ : ok good because i lowkey love u a bit and highkey am about to freeze my fucking ass off out here

 _Crazy Mechanic_ : coming down

 _Crazy Mechanic_ : i lowkey love u a bit too

* * *

 _Rosé Thomas_ to  ** _PROJECT EDWIN (WHY ARE ALL OUR FRIENDS SO DUMB ABOUT LOVE)_** : So does jeremy want cash or venmo

 _Ling Yao_ : already sent him the 20

 _Alphonse Elric_ : I still cant believe he actually agreed to do it

 _Paninya_ : I STILL CANT BELIEVE U THOUGHT EDWIN WAS JUST A RANDOM ASS NAME WE USED AS A COVER

 _Alphonse Elric_ : HOW TF WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW IT WAS ALSO A SHIP NAME

 _Lan Fan_ : al dont you have a tumblr

 _Paninya_ : what kind of goddamn millennial blogger doesnt kno what a ship name is

 _Alphonse Elric_ : It is literally just coffee pics and shit videos of ed ok let me live

 _Roy Mustang_ : i cant believe we had to go through months of scheming and yelling just to get you children to admit you like each other

 _Paninya_ : pls as if u didnt go through the same thing ferrari

 _Lan Fan_ : apparently you needed a whole regiment to help you ask riza out chrysler

 _Ling Yao_ : dont be a hypocrite nissan frontier u wouldve stalked hawkeye for months if she hadnt confronted u about it

 _Roy Mustang_ : and you heard all this from havoc i assume

 _Riza Hawkeye_ : No i told them jeep

 _Rosé Thomas_ : Wow i could hear volkswagen’s gasp of betrayal from my hall

 _Mei Chang_ : i’m just glad all this is over

 _Alphonse Elric_ : I swear on my entire ass getting ed to say anything about his feelings is like

 _Alphonse Elric_ : Getting a pentakill with veigar

 _Paninya_ : NEITHER OF U ARE ALLOWED TO SPEAK ME N ROSE HAVE BEEN SUFFERING SINCE FRESHMAN YEAR

 _Alphonse Elric_ : Uh weve lived with them our whole lives?????

 _Paninya_ : excuSE ME did U have to watch them fail to act normal around each other every day for 2 years?????

 _Paninya_ : i think the fUCK NOT u trick ass bitch

 _Alphonse Elric_ : :O ok uncalled for

 _Ling Yao_ : hey lan fan should we be offended

 _Lan Fan_ : i think we can let it slide this time

 _Paninya_ : U DONT KNOW HOW SHITE IT IS NOT TO TRY N PUT UR HEAD THROUGH A WINDOW WHEN I SEE ALL OF U MAKIN BEDROOM EYES AT EACH OTHER WHEN U THINK EVERYONE ELSE ISNT LOOKING

 _Rosé Thomas_ : It really is quite shite

 _Rosé Thomas_ : But i’m a hopeless romantic so it’s also kind of beautiful i guess

* * *

 _Edward Elric_ to  ** _if u wake me up inside i will go right the fuck back to sleep_** : what THE FUCK

 _Edward Elric_ : U FUCKING PLANNED THIS SHIT??????

 _Mei Chang_ : ned you have no right to be pissed you did the same damn thing

 _Winry Rockbell_ : paninya prepare to Die™

 _Ling Yao_ : w0w its not like she killed ur father or anything

 _Edward Elric_ : IM GOING TO STOMP ALL UR GODDAMN HEADS INTO FUCKING COW SHIT

 _Paninya_ : if u can even manage to reach my elbows ill bend down n offer my head TO u

 _Paninya_ : and u should be thanking me for gettin ur shit together for u

 _Winry Rockbell_ : +ﾟ*｡:ﾟ+凸(◕‿◕✿)+ﾟ*｡:ﾟ+

 _Paninya_ : :O

 _Paninya_ : THE ACTUAL DISRESPECT

 _Lan Fan_ : not to interrupt this Absolute Trainwreck

 _Lan Fan_ : but theyre selling krispy kreme in front of the law building

 _Alphonse Elric_ : ARE U SERIOUS

 _Paninya_ : I AM ON MY FUCKIN WAY

 _Paninya_ : geT REKT THERES A HUGE LINE

 _Edward Elric_ : SHIT SPRINT WIN WE GOTTA SPRINT

 _Edward Elric_ : SPRINT BEFORE YAO THE FUCKING BOTTOMLESS PIT GETS THERE

 _Ling Yao_ : Rude™

 _Alphonse Elric_ : Jesus christ ed i can hear ur shrieking from the library

 _Paninya_ : y r u even messaging each other ur literally 2 feet apart

 _Winry Rockbell_ : I SEE LAN FAN QUICK TRIP HER

 _Lan Fan_ : 3/10 elric

 _Edward Elric_ : WOW THIS BUSH IS LOOKING LIKE A GREAT PLACE TO FUCKING FADE INTO THE GODDAMN VOID SUDDENLY THANK YOU AND GOOD BYE

 _Mei Chang_ : i swear to god you lot are the most Extra™ college students

 _Paninya_ : ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ: * 〜(￣▽￣〜) u kno it (〜￣▽￣)〜 * :ﾟ･✧* :ﾟ･✧

 

**Author's Note:**

> This was way too long but I'm a sucker for dragging things out and making characters PINE for DECADES (((AS WELL AS HAVING THE LADIES CONFESS FIRST WOOO)))
> 
> For those of you who made it to the end I commend you for having the same shitty sense of humor that I do. This was kind of just a way for me to procrastinate a FMA fic I was already working on before I started this (((whoops)))
> 
> FMA remains to this day probably my favorite anime and Lan Fan is my Blunt Badass Fave™ okay I have yet to find another anime that portrays discount Chinese/East Asian-minus-Japanese culture as well as FMA does (that being said please feel free to recommend me some). I'm also weak for non-canon couples so. Lingfan is the OTP.
> 
> I don't own any of the characters or memes or references to songs/TV shows/movies/Youtube except for Jeremy the Bribee and yes some of the dialogue was taken from my own personal experiences and texts because I also have shit friends and am in college


End file.
